A Rather Bad Day

1 March 2000 BC

All I did was open one jar. How was I supposed to know it contained the evils it did? Shouldn’t it have been labelled, seeing as it was so important? And honestly, who can blame me? Wouldn’t you open an unlabelled jar to see what’s inside?

Today has not been one of my better days, I must admit. To begin with, I burnt Epimetheus’ breakfast, so he was annoyed with me. Can’t the man make his own breakfast?? Honestly, he’s like a child. Speaking of which, we then we had the argument about children again. He thinks I should stay home, tend the house, produce little Eppys and make sure that I present his name in a reputable manner. Hah. No chance of that after today. I told him once more that I wasn’t ready to have children that I still wanted to enjoy life and not be burdened with responsibility. We have all eternity to have children, why start now? I haven’t mentioned it for a while, but I also want to have my own career.

All the goddesses have a career path: Hera taunts Heracles, Aphrodite inspires men to commit extreme acts in the name of love, Athena protects the heroes and spouts wisdom and philosophy at the drop of a hat, Artemis runs around shooting animals and Demeter grows plants. I’m pretty sure I’m capable of doing something as well. It’s all well and good relaxing by the spring with a goblet of ambrosia and chatting with the other Olympians, but frankly, it’s starting to get rather boring. There are only so many times I can agree with Aphrodite about her beauty, or try to talk to Artemis about the latest way to stalk a deer. I was given all these gifts, but what’s the point if I can’t use them? Maybe I could join Demeter, she seems to have the only worthwhile job, providing food. Plus she spends half the year crying about Persephone anyway. I feel like my life should mean something, you know? Have some kind of purpose to it. But I digress. Back to today.

So Eppy was crying over spilt milk (well ok, burnt toast) and I was frustrated. He went off to go ask Prometheus something, or regale him with another of his stupid ideas. I mean, it’s not as if Prometheus can get up and leave or anything. So I decided to try and atone for burning his breakfast, why I don’t know, and I started cleaning. I came to his bedside table, and found this peculiar and interesting jar. It was a fairly small jar, but quite pretty and intriguing. So naturally, I wondered why he had this jar and what was inside it. I was inquisitive - or maybe that was Hermes’ gift coming out in me. I assumed it was something silly, like a collection of oddly shaped stones. But no. That would have been too convenient.

I opened it and all of a sudden the sky turned black, there was a rumble of thunder, and the air grew cold, a feeling of malevolence entering the room. Well, no not exactly, but that might as well be what happened! I felt the rush of air past my face as things whooshed out of the jar, and a dank, kind of mouldy smell.

Anyway, it turns out that the jar contained a fair few number of evils. Pestilence, Disease, Famine, Greed, Anger, they were all there. Not to mention Vanity, Slander and Pining...Whoops. I realised that I’d done something bad when Eppy materialised next to me with a look of terror on his face. He explained what I’d done, then railed at me for a while. Turns out he’d found the jar on one of his long, rambling walks around the countryside. It was left over from Chaos. Apparently Gaia was going to use it against Cronos but old Zeusy boy came to the rescue (Hope he doesn’t read this, I’d probably be unable to sit down for a week for calling him that. He’s really quite obsessed with retaining a youthful visage). So it appears that I’ve single-handedly destroyed the mortals’ perfect life and changed the course of their civilization. I guess my life will mean something after all then. That was a few hours ago, I’m still waiting for the retribution, from both Eppy and Zeus. Eppy disappeared as soon as he’d arrived. Probably trying to clean up the mess I created.

Results

2 March 2000 BC

Wow. The intrigues and power play on Olympus will never cease to amaze me. Zeus isn’t annoyed with me in the slightest, on the contrary in fact. He PLANNED IT ALL! Yes, that’s right. He created me with the explicit purpose of teaching the mortals (and Prometheus) a lesson for stealing the gift of fire from the Olympians. So he planted the jar where he knew Eppy would find it, and then gave me to him as a gift. Poor foolish Eppy. He was well and truly played. He seems ok with it now that he knows there won’t be any punishment.

I’m not sure how I feel about this whole situation though. Everyone seems to know about it already, but I’m not being treated like a total pariah. I think some of them might even welcome it. Like Ares for instance. With the introduction of greed and envy, not to mention rage, there’s a whole new raft of reasons for the mortals to get into arguments with each other and start fighting to the death. That should please Hades, expanding the souls under his control.

But more to the point, I seem to have been created to punish mortal men. What does that mean? Should change my image then? Start wearing black, grow my hair long etc.? Because I’ve put a lot of effort into the ‘natural beauty’ look I’ve got going on, I don’t want to change that (Eppy would probably have something to say about it too). It would give my life some purpose though, playing into that role that Zeus created for me. I’m feeling kind of used at this point. My whole existence has been based around the one purpose, to punish mankind, and now that I’ve fulfilled that, should I keep playing that role? Or should I just fade away, repenting for my act for all eternity? Nah. I’ve got something to make of my life. Did Zeus even stop to think whether I wanted the job? Maybe that’s kind of redundant because he created me for that job so I must inherently have wanted to do it. Hm, that’s a bit too deep for my liking. Well I’m not so sure I like the role that he’s picked out for me. I’m going to make my own way in life. I am truly sorry for what I did, because I will forever be blamed for the introduction of evils into the mortal world, but hey, any kind of fame’s good fame right?

Moving On

1 July 1980 BC

There is no way I could have foreseen what opening that one little jar would unleash. Mortals have started killing each other without abandon, their world is full of disease, worry and woe and all in all it’s a pretty grim picture.

But I’m doing ok though. I help Demeter out occasionally, when she’s too busy crying too look after anything. She is one crazy lady though…seriously. Who would spend a whole six months mourning her daughter when they know they’re going to see her again in another six months? Personally, I’d enjoy the time to myself. It would be nice to have a little r&r, with no need to worry about their life, and whether or not your offspring are doing their laundry and eating well. Alright, maybe she should worry a little bit given that Persephone is down in the Underworld with Hades, admittedly not the nicest of places. Eppy and I still don’t have kids. But maybe I could do the whole part time mum thing. Seems to work out ok for Demeter and Persephone. Well, Persephone anyway. Maybe not so much for Demeter.

Initially a few Olympians avoided me, but most of them don’t really seem to care that I unleashed the evils upon the mortals. They seem to think it makes the game more fun. Zeus certainly doesn’t mind. I’m guessing he probably didn’t think too much about what I’d do after I opened that jar. Saw me as a one-trick pony, capable of doing that one job and then just cruising along after that. But I’m quite capable of helping Demeter out when she’s pining for Persephone. I’m not all doom and gloom, bringer of evil.

End of an Era

4 May 1970 BC

Zeus just destroyed the Silver Race. Seems my little intervention screwed them up somewhat. They kind of stopped listening to the Olympians and started fighting amongst themselves. Guess he didn’t see that coming. So now he’s at work creating another race, I think he’s calling it the Bronze Race. Maybe they’ll be an improvement on their predecessors. Judging by the past though it’s not likely. Maybe because the evils won’t have been introduced to them, they will be less vindictive and petty. I hope so. I know that there’s no point dwelling on what I did because what’s done is done, I can’t go back and change it (or could I? Hmm...I doubt Zeus would let me though. And it has become what I’m known for around here. I guess any kind of fame is good, even if it’s infamy), but I still feel slight stabs of regret when I think about it. The prevailing mood in Olympus is that I was pretty stupid to open the jar, but that it turned out ok in the end and helps the Olympians along with their machinations and makes the whole game more interesting.

You know what? I think I’m finally ready for children. They will ensure that my life means something and has a purpose (other than tormenting mankind), and maybe I’ll be able to live down the social stigma of ruining (to a degree) the mortal world. Eppy will be so happy when I tell him. And I want to have my own child, someone who will look to me to for nurture and help in developing and growing into their own person. Ugh, but it’s going to play havoc on my body. I’ve spent so long maintaining my image. It’s worth it though. And hey, I guess I can always go to Aphrodite and get her to make me a potion to restore my looks. I hope I have a girl. I think I’ll call her Pyrrah.

War

7 October 1260 BC

Wow. The impact of my actions has finally hit me. I thought I’d seen what it had done to the mortals before, but the scale of that war was epic. Paris’ desire for Helen unleashed a chain of events that resulted in the largest war known to mortals, and the deaths of tens of thousands. The full effects of opening that one little jar were played out. The rage of Achilles...now that was something to behold, and his relationship with Agamemnon was fractious at best - his life was ruled by the forces I released. I guess that makes me responsible for his death, and those of all the others. It’s frightening to see the extent to which what I released has developed in the years since, corrupting the mortals and making them captive to their desires. Menelaus’ determination to see his wife back in his hands was born out of greed and anger that his pride and honour had been belittled, and also his attempt to rescue his reputation. Likewise Paris’ desire for Helen was born out of envy and greed (and lust of course); once the siege was started neither side could back down due to the inevitable loss of honour, and they had by then the taste of battle and victory; the whole war was rooted in my curiosity. Curse Hermes for giving me that attribute! What have I done? When and where will it end?